My heart was so moved at choir practice at church tonight. There's a simple song, "Let it Rain," that brought tears to my eyes that I could not stop from rolling down my face for a few minutes. The words?
Let it rain, let it rain. Open the floodgates of heaven. Let it rain, let it rain. Open the floodgates of heaven. Let it rain, let it rain. Open the floodgates of heaven. Let it rain.
4 parts are sung, and the repeated words ebb and flow and are written and played to sound like the intensity and depth of nature. The choir director asked us to sing it with meaning, and how he interpreted the song is that this is being sung in a time of desperation, hanging on in a tough time with one hand lifted up to God and begging him for blessings.
I cried because I thought of how desperately I want my mom to be healthy, and sang these words to God for a couple of minutes, begging him to open the floodgates and heal her.
After I got choked up about that for a while, I thought about my friend sitting one person over from me battling lymphoma and driving to Emory tomorrow for her fifth treatment. I watched the woman in front of me who lost her husband to cancer not that long ago and wondered if what I saw in her face was what I thought it was while singing this song. I thought about my best friend, whose FIL is very sick, my friend who desperately wants to have a baby, my friend who has children that struggle greatly with mental health issues, my friend who lost a child last year, my friend who lost her husband to brain cancer 6 months ago. My goodness...the list is not to be depressing...just reality. I felt so connected to these women and their sorrow and just imagined them/me flat on the ground begging for God to open the floodgates and pour down blessings. I am amazed that I know so many people with such loss and hard times, but then it helps me to see I am so not alone in any sorrow I may feel, and that life truly is an amazing journey. I am so very glad to be on it.
I am also hoping and praying for God to open the floodgates in our finances. We have a settlement for my car accident outstanding, and I am praying to be surprised and amazed! I am praying for God to open the floodgates in Tim's business and bless him with professional and financial success.
I must continue no spend month in some huge way the rest of the year! It will take lots more thought and planning. So much to do, so much to see, so many medical bills and financial burden on my mom, so many people hurting and in need. Chicken nuggets and starbucks just aren't worth a penny in comparison. Surely I can do without.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
tim
My husband is truly amazing. He is an incredibly brilliant man who graduated at the top of his UGA Law School class. He has his own law practice, where he works part time, and then stays home with our kids part time while I work. He is an amazing stay at home dad. He takes the kids to the library, conducts semi regular learning times, builds forts, reads tons of books, bathes them, dresses them every morning, takes them to Mother's Morning Out on tues/thurs mornings, and is constantly baking with them. They truly have so much time together, and it makes me fall completely in love with Tim regularly. This month, he has completely dumbfounded me. I have felt the burden of our debt and lack of savings and/or retirement with intense emotion for a while now. It weighs heavily on me, and I have tried to explain it many times. This month, Tim started a blog and an amazing journey to pay off our credit card debt this year. It's super inspirational and sacrificial and intense. I am so so so happy and grateful and lucky. I got a text from him today saying that he had decided he wanted to stop receiving satellite service and put that $55/month toward the debt. His other decisions include not spending money on himself this year. No lunches out, no coffee from drive thrus, no video games or music or graphic novels or any other form of entertainment for himself. whoa. It's kind of stunning. We have a few movie tickets and Netflix for the year gifted to us, and Tim is super grateful.
There's no way that I can match his sacrifice, and that is so cool to me. We're praying and working hard, and wow....it just might happen!!!!
My mom has always wanted to go to Disney World. I am extremely concerned about her health and life situation at the moment. We will pay off this debt this year and take our second trip to Disney World, where the kids are dreaming to return, sometime after. We will do it.
There's no way that I can match his sacrifice, and that is so cool to me. We're praying and working hard, and wow....it just might happen!!!!
My mom has always wanted to go to Disney World. I am extremely concerned about her health and life situation at the moment. We will pay off this debt this year and take our second trip to Disney World, where the kids are dreaming to return, sometime after. We will do it.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
warmth
I loved tonight. A fire in the fire place, my family, and no electricity put true joy in my heart. We spent time with friends at their house after church and then went together as a family to the grocery store. It was raining so very hard when we got out of the grocery store, but having Tim there to get the van and load it was such a blessing. The kids and I had been planning on asking Tim to make a fire in the fire place all afternoon, and Tim happily accepted the job. We got some free firewood from Tim's parents a couple of weekends ago, and I have been desperate to use it.
I used to dream of living in a house with a fire place. I grew up living in a mobile home. I had everything I ever wanted and certainly anything I needed, but we would spend time every once in a while walking through open houses. I would pick out my bedroom and big closet and dream of having a fire place one day. As I sat in front of the fire tonight, the warmth and the peace that came over me as I stretched out in front of it brought me so much joy. The kids asked to watch Space Buddies, our Netflix movie, and eat a homemade cookie they made with Tim yesterday. They had asked for chocolate milk at the grocery store, and although I did not buy any, we decided to see if we could make our own (without having to use high fructose corn syrup, that is). Cocoa, milk, water, and a little sugar later, and we sat down to our movie, homemade chocolate milk and cookies, and a fire in the fire place.
Before bed, Tim asked that the kids help clean the living room. Working on that as a family and hopping into bed seemed like a great end to the night. Soon after the kids got in bed, the electricity went out. Kendall fell asleep quickly, and Tim ended up getting lots of extra time spent with Isaac, as he was very fearful about the storm and the darkness. While Tim was with Isaac, I lit our oh so familiar candles from last month (lol!) and snuggled up in a blanket by the tiny tiny fire that was still burning with my book. Tim and I talked and read and had a great time with the stillness in the house for an hour or so.
The lights are back on, and I am so grateful to be reminded that I am living my dream. Not all of my life is a dream. There are certainly unexpected and unwanted components, but a lot of my life is what I dreamt of as a little girl. I am going to get in my bed under a warm blanket and do all I can to remember the warmth I felt from the fire and my family this evening.
I used to dream of living in a house with a fire place. I grew up living in a mobile home. I had everything I ever wanted and certainly anything I needed, but we would spend time every once in a while walking through open houses. I would pick out my bedroom and big closet and dream of having a fire place one day. As I sat in front of the fire tonight, the warmth and the peace that came over me as I stretched out in front of it brought me so much joy. The kids asked to watch Space Buddies, our Netflix movie, and eat a homemade cookie they made with Tim yesterday. They had asked for chocolate milk at the grocery store, and although I did not buy any, we decided to see if we could make our own (without having to use high fructose corn syrup, that is). Cocoa, milk, water, and a little sugar later, and we sat down to our movie, homemade chocolate milk and cookies, and a fire in the fire place.
Before bed, Tim asked that the kids help clean the living room. Working on that as a family and hopping into bed seemed like a great end to the night. Soon after the kids got in bed, the electricity went out. Kendall fell asleep quickly, and Tim ended up getting lots of extra time spent with Isaac, as he was very fearful about the storm and the darkness. While Tim was with Isaac, I lit our oh so familiar candles from last month (lol!) and snuggled up in a blanket by the tiny tiny fire that was still burning with my book. Tim and I talked and read and had a great time with the stillness in the house for an hour or so.
The lights are back on, and I am so grateful to be reminded that I am living my dream. Not all of my life is a dream. There are certainly unexpected and unwanted components, but a lot of my life is what I dreamt of as a little girl. I am going to get in my bed under a warm blanket and do all I can to remember the warmth I felt from the fire and my family this evening.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
close
It feels close to the end of no spend month. Not spending money has truly been mostly perfect. Tim and I have not discussed what we will continue from this month, but I would love to keep our spending within very strict parameters for as long as we are able. Maybe we can only eat out if we are spending time with other people, but not just for convenience here and there and everywhere...or maybe I'll continue to have self control and not buy coffee and drinks and treats for myself for a few more months. I'll be thinking... It was VERY hard the other night to be sleepy and thirsty and driving home from Atlanta in the pouring rain...and not be able to buy a drink at the QT where Tim stopped to walk around and get refreshed a little before continuing to drive. lots and lots of victories...and money saved.
Funny thing happened the other day...I made plans to have lunch with a friend. The night before our lunch date, as I was drifting off to sleep, I thought, "oh my goodness! what in the world am I doing? I can not spend money on lunch." so...well...I called my old, close friend with whom I have not spent time in over a year and asked her to pay for my lunch. It was a little embarassing and lots funny, but, of course, she didn't mind, and we set up in the next lunch date in February...when I get to pay. :)
Nothing came about at my mom's appointment today. More talk about "complicated" and "didn't think that would happen" and "surprised the steroids didn't do anything" and "probably," but nothing that really brought peace or security...or better health, really. sigh. Next week's conversation may be a little difficlt, as I think I will address the possible need for/lack of urgency. I did hug the man today. I have hugged lots of people that were not expecting it. LOL!
I don't think I ever blogged, but Tim and I bought dinner at IKEA the other night when we were there with his parents as a part of a family day together (their christmas present). The whole process of how that happened is complicated, but ultimately our fault. It would have been VERY awkward to turn it around, but in the end, it was a choice we made. So...all the party poopers can get excited that we messed up now. $16 and change spent this month outside of bills and groceries. oh...and tim soent $10 for parking at Monster Truck Jam, but those tickets were bought and the trip planned in December...but if we're being totally totally honest...I thought I'd mention it.
Funny thing happened the other day...I made plans to have lunch with a friend. The night before our lunch date, as I was drifting off to sleep, I thought, "oh my goodness! what in the world am I doing? I can not spend money on lunch." so...well...I called my old, close friend with whom I have not spent time in over a year and asked her to pay for my lunch. It was a little embarassing and lots funny, but, of course, she didn't mind, and we set up in the next lunch date in February...when I get to pay. :)
Nothing came about at my mom's appointment today. More talk about "complicated" and "didn't think that would happen" and "surprised the steroids didn't do anything" and "probably," but nothing that really brought peace or security...or better health, really. sigh. Next week's conversation may be a little difficlt, as I think I will address the possible need for/lack of urgency. I did hug the man today. I have hugged lots of people that were not expecting it. LOL!
I don't think I ever blogged, but Tim and I bought dinner at IKEA the other night when we were there with his parents as a part of a family day together (their christmas present). The whole process of how that happened is complicated, but ultimately our fault. It would have been VERY awkward to turn it around, but in the end, it was a choice we made. So...all the party poopers can get excited that we messed up now. $16 and change spent this month outside of bills and groceries. oh...and tim soent $10 for parking at Monster Truck Jam, but those tickets were bought and the trip planned in December...but if we're being totally totally honest...I thought I'd mention it.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
stillness
Stillness, patience, waiting, learning, blessings.
I have a painting in my bedroom by a local artist that says, "In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you." I think it applies to what I am experiencing with my mom as we continue to meet with the doctor weekly and look at all of the blood counts and listen to him speculate about what MAY be happening. He is trying something with her this week to see what happens and if the numbers improve, and if not, says he will send us to Emory to delve further into reaching answers and solutions. There are moments when it is really hard to just wait in the chaos and there are moments when I am happy to be sitting in the stillness.
Isaac seemed to have lots of chaos inside today. He brought home a number tracing/practice sheet from mother's morning out on Tuesday. It was blank, and Tim said that his teacher reported that Isaac did not want to work on it, which was totally fine with them. Today, Tim said that Isaac saw the sheet on the table and wanted to practice writing. He traced the "1" and practiced writing it on his own beside it, and then traced the "2" while seemingly happy. All of a sudden, he started scribbling all over the entire page and then got up from the table, opened the front door, and ran outside. He went outside to sit with his bird feeder, of which he is very proud. Wow. I love this little boy so intensely and it hurts me to think that he got so down and frustrated with not doing something well/not being able to do something. It is neat to me, although scary (you know...that he would run out the door) that he ran to try to find some stillness inside of him. We've seen this part of him for several years. He is just now able to hold a pencil correctly, although it's still very awkward for him, and his written name is just barely legible, with all of the letters being backwards most of the time. It's not his strength. He can cut nearly like an adult. He likes to practice cutting. He appears to need to gather up courage to practice writing. He has no pressure and tons of encouragement from us, and we will continue to guide him and lift him up and honor his strengths and weaknesses. I am positive he will not be a non-writer. LOL. He will learn to write. He will learn stillness and patience as well.
I have had some neat blessings this week. I had 2 friends take me to lunch this week and one taking the kids and me out tomorrow. I requested a refund for the $229 we paid for the emergency electrician we called based on Georgia Power's reccommendation only to find out that it was GA Power's problem after all...all on the night of my car accident. So this happened 11/16, and although I just got around to making the call and requesting a refund of the money almost 2 months later, they granted our request and put a check in the mail the next day. My mom's doctor did say that her liver is no longer enlarged and appeared normal on the scan. Blessings came. I am so grateful.
I have a painting in my bedroom by a local artist that says, "In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you." I think it applies to what I am experiencing with my mom as we continue to meet with the doctor weekly and look at all of the blood counts and listen to him speculate about what MAY be happening. He is trying something with her this week to see what happens and if the numbers improve, and if not, says he will send us to Emory to delve further into reaching answers and solutions. There are moments when it is really hard to just wait in the chaos and there are moments when I am happy to be sitting in the stillness.
Isaac seemed to have lots of chaos inside today. He brought home a number tracing/practice sheet from mother's morning out on Tuesday. It was blank, and Tim said that his teacher reported that Isaac did not want to work on it, which was totally fine with them. Today, Tim said that Isaac saw the sheet on the table and wanted to practice writing. He traced the "1" and practiced writing it on his own beside it, and then traced the "2" while seemingly happy. All of a sudden, he started scribbling all over the entire page and then got up from the table, opened the front door, and ran outside. He went outside to sit with his bird feeder, of which he is very proud. Wow. I love this little boy so intensely and it hurts me to think that he got so down and frustrated with not doing something well/not being able to do something. It is neat to me, although scary (you know...that he would run out the door) that he ran to try to find some stillness inside of him. We've seen this part of him for several years. He is just now able to hold a pencil correctly, although it's still very awkward for him, and his written name is just barely legible, with all of the letters being backwards most of the time. It's not his strength. He can cut nearly like an adult. He likes to practice cutting. He appears to need to gather up courage to practice writing. He has no pressure and tons of encouragement from us, and we will continue to guide him and lift him up and honor his strengths and weaknesses. I am positive he will not be a non-writer. LOL. He will learn to write. He will learn stillness and patience as well.
I have had some neat blessings this week. I had 2 friends take me to lunch this week and one taking the kids and me out tomorrow. I requested a refund for the $229 we paid for the emergency electrician we called based on Georgia Power's reccommendation only to find out that it was GA Power's problem after all...all on the night of my car accident. So this happened 11/16, and although I just got around to making the call and requesting a refund of the money almost 2 months later, they granted our request and put a check in the mail the next day. My mom's doctor did say that her liver is no longer enlarged and appeared normal on the scan. Blessings came. I am so grateful.
Monday, January 11, 2010
great
I am praying diligently to understand God's love for *me,* how he's truly on my side, and how he has great plans for me. I know and understand these things intellectually, but I think God has been trying to plant seeds of greatness in my mind and heart, and I immediately down play and minimize and settle for a barely get by sort of attitude. I am so excited and inspired by Tim's mission to pay off our debt, but I immediately get this feeling of "we'll do what we can do...probably won't be too much" feeling/attitude. How is that helpful at all? God wants me to have the desires of my heart, nothing is impossible with him, he blesses my faith, he has great plans for me...these are all in the Bible.
It's not just in the area of debt that I need to understand these things. I want to remember that in being a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend, at my job, everywhere! I want to know and be confident that God has great plans for me, that he can turn bad situations around...even if it takes a LONG time (like with Job). I am passionate and have great dreams, but my mind fails me and takes me back so far to the "I'll never get up when I need to," "I dream of doing this and this for the world, but that will probably never happen," etc. My mind is not set on great things happening, my eyes are not "fixed on Jesus." My faith is little. Hence, I am praying and changing...and excited about all of the great things that will happen this year.
Today was a great day. I got home from work at 10:30 and the kids were asleep by 7:30. So we had nine great hours at home. I got 100 pages of my book read as well as time reading my Bible at different times throughout the day while the kids played or watched TV. The kids ate a yummy picnic lunch in front of the TV while I ate and read my Bible and then made coffee for myself. We had a fun dinner together where the kids ate (get ready!) cheese tortellini and pesto and walnut ravioli with garlic and olive oil sauce. I cooked the frozen ravioli because I wanted to be able to use the sauce on both pasta dishes and have plenty to eat for lunches/dinners for the week. I was not expecting the kids to eat the pesto and walnut part, but Isaac loved it. I served the kids yogurt with dinner, like I usually do when I am not sure if they will eat what I cook, so they ate the yogurt and a full plate of pasta. Tim just ate when he walked in the door from court to a sleeping house, which made him "happy, but I do miss the kids." The kids and I had a dress up time today where Isaac and I took turns being the king and queen and "getting married together." Getting married means dancing for a long time in beautiful attire. I hope Isaac keeps his love of singing and dancing...and dressing up. Kendall was the princess every time, of course. Being a princess meant wearing some swim goggles along with the regular princess attire, which had Isaac and I both laughing. Isaac also performed a magic show and several puppet shows while Kendall and I watched and clapped.
Today truly was great.
It's not just in the area of debt that I need to understand these things. I want to remember that in being a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend, at my job, everywhere! I want to know and be confident that God has great plans for me, that he can turn bad situations around...even if it takes a LONG time (like with Job). I am passionate and have great dreams, but my mind fails me and takes me back so far to the "I'll never get up when I need to," "I dream of doing this and this for the world, but that will probably never happen," etc. My mind is not set on great things happening, my eyes are not "fixed on Jesus." My faith is little. Hence, I am praying and changing...and excited about all of the great things that will happen this year.
Today was a great day. I got home from work at 10:30 and the kids were asleep by 7:30. So we had nine great hours at home. I got 100 pages of my book read as well as time reading my Bible at different times throughout the day while the kids played or watched TV. The kids ate a yummy picnic lunch in front of the TV while I ate and read my Bible and then made coffee for myself. We had a fun dinner together where the kids ate (get ready!) cheese tortellini and pesto and walnut ravioli with garlic and olive oil sauce. I cooked the frozen ravioli because I wanted to be able to use the sauce on both pasta dishes and have plenty to eat for lunches/dinners for the week. I was not expecting the kids to eat the pesto and walnut part, but Isaac loved it. I served the kids yogurt with dinner, like I usually do when I am not sure if they will eat what I cook, so they ate the yogurt and a full plate of pasta. Tim just ate when he walked in the door from court to a sleeping house, which made him "happy, but I do miss the kids." The kids and I had a dress up time today where Isaac and I took turns being the king and queen and "getting married together." Getting married means dancing for a long time in beautiful attire. I hope Isaac keeps his love of singing and dancing...and dressing up. Kendall was the princess every time, of course. Being a princess meant wearing some swim goggles along with the regular princess attire, which had Isaac and I both laughing. Isaac also performed a magic show and several puppet shows while Kendall and I watched and clapped.
Today truly was great.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
dreams
Just coming to say hello to anyone out there reading this blog. I got together with some friends to discuss dreams and plans for the new year tonight, so between that and the raspberry tea I just made, I am feeling super faithful and happy. I was reading some facebook profiles and such from some old friends and acquaintances yesterday and started feeling like everyone had more money, kids involved in so many more activities, more trips taken, etc than we had. Again, I was absolutely amazed at how quickly I forgot about how much I love my life. I truly do have a great life, and I am positive great things will happen this year.
Tim is determined to pay off our credit card debt this year. It's his "mission," and in fact, he even started a blog. It's scary to commit to that and does not even seem possible at all, but I have all the hope in the world that it really could happen. I love dreaming. I love that my husband has so many hopes and dreams of his own and for our finances as well.
Not spending money has made me excited about what we are saving. I filled the bubble bath bottle with water to make sure I got every last drop of bubble bath in there, and the remains actually produced a ton of bubbles last night. Relaxing night, no money spent. I ran out of shampoo, but decided to use all of the many samples I have collected over the years before I buy new. (seriously people...take the good shampoos from all the hotels...you paid for it...and they throw it away anyway...lol!) I love to see my tiny bottle of something fun and non matching when I get in the shower.
I am excited about the library events for the month. There are a couple of free documentaries being shown this month that will be great free dates for Tim and me. We also found 2 books of $1 theater tickets, so we may use those this month, but either way, we will have those to enjoy whenever.
We need to make actual plans to have people over the rest of the month. We are so very grateful to have great relationships. I love having people over, but usually just don't make it happen. Maybe I'll address that in a radical way one month.
I feel great about being home lots this week. I NEVER enjoy being at home more than one day in a row. I am changing my mindset...little by little.
Tim is determined to pay off our credit card debt this year. It's his "mission," and in fact, he even started a blog. It's scary to commit to that and does not even seem possible at all, but I have all the hope in the world that it really could happen. I love dreaming. I love that my husband has so many hopes and dreams of his own and for our finances as well.
Not spending money has made me excited about what we are saving. I filled the bubble bath bottle with water to make sure I got every last drop of bubble bath in there, and the remains actually produced a ton of bubbles last night. Relaxing night, no money spent. I ran out of shampoo, but decided to use all of the many samples I have collected over the years before I buy new. (seriously people...take the good shampoos from all the hotels...you paid for it...and they throw it away anyway...lol!) I love to see my tiny bottle of something fun and non matching when I get in the shower.
I am excited about the library events for the month. There are a couple of free documentaries being shown this month that will be great free dates for Tim and me. We also found 2 books of $1 theater tickets, so we may use those this month, but either way, we will have those to enjoy whenever.
We need to make actual plans to have people over the rest of the month. We are so very grateful to have great relationships. I love having people over, but usually just don't make it happen. Maybe I'll address that in a radical way one month.
I feel great about being home lots this week. I NEVER enjoy being at home more than one day in a row. I am changing my mindset...little by little.
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