better...

...late than never! I have been exercising my big booty off today! I got some motivation from somewhere...out of nowhere...yesterday to lose this weight I have gained. I lost around 15 pounds about this time last year, and somehow (OMG! why is it so easy for me to gain weight???!!!) have gained every single pound back. ok...I am not going to talk about all of that anymore, actually. Back to today...I worked this morning and then was home with the kids the rest of the day. I made lunch, and we ate outside, wind blowing, sitting on our pink quilt. I had to get jackets for the kids, we all laughed and ate, and just had so much fun. Lunch remains and dishes on the quilt, we ended up staying outside for hours! I trimmed back 5 dead butterfly bushes trying so hard to bloom again around all of the dead branches. I cut back this whole crazy area we have in front of our house and took all of the branches and brush to the woods in the back. Kendall sat in the iris bed for about an hour telling stories with a couple of acorns and sticks and such she picked up off the ground. Isaac filled up his watering can from the outside spigot, soaked himself, changed into some pajamas, and was right back outside watering and playing and riding. Kendall moved to the back to the sandbox for her second hour. I raked leaves, pulled weeds, swept, played with the kids some, and then went inside for cleaning and laundry and eventually dinner. The rest was welcomed by the kids, who ended up playing with playdough for the rest of the afternoon until dinner. After dinner, the kids and I (Tim has court on monday nights) drove to downtown Statham and parked and walked all over the place. We jogged some, walked lots, and found some little alley ways through which to adventure.

My arms are seriously sore from clipping/chopping/whatever with some very simple clipper/choppers. I ate well today. I am so happy to be on a good path.

loss

My heart is so heavy and full tonight. I have two friends who have recently found out about their husbands having an affair. Another friend's husband passed away (in his 30's) suddenly after collapsing and being transported to the hospital. My dad just returned from California where he was taking care of his sister and her family for a month, as she is dying from cancer very soon. Someone on Tim's side of the family and with whom we are close just found out he has bone cancer. My step father is quite sick and just not thriving or functioning very well. My mom's treatment for lymphoma has not begun to work after 4 weeks, as the doctors originally thought it would, so fear and terror are knocking at the doors of my heart. It is her birthday this week, and I am so very grateful to get to celebrate.

"Celebrate"...that word has struck something in me as I write it. I can not celebrate fear and anger and hurt. I can celebrate life and my incredible relationship with my mom. I can celebrate my marriage and the openness and vulnerability and respect and submissiveness and closeness and depth we share. I can celebrate the relationships I have with women that will be at my side in any hard times that may ever come my way.

Boy, life can be so tough. I think getting older has brought many more tough times in life. Besides what/who I mentioned is on my mind tonight, two close friends experienced tragic loss (husband, daughter) within the past year. My best friend's FIL is very sick, and this will be one of the first losses of a parent Tim and I have experienced with close friends. I mean, whoa...thank goodness getting older has brought many more joys with it as well.

Am I exercising? NO. In fact, I am looking forward to the end of the month when I can start a new challenge. Am I still feeling unhealthy and like I wish I was losing weight and working on being healthier? YES.

failure

Well...must be honest. We are not exercising much over here. I worked a TON last week. I was away from home from early morning until later evening on tues, thurs, and friday, and pretty much could not move when I got home those days and had a busy Wednesday afternoon/evening as well. I basically only exercised on Monday. I feel gross, but am not sure if it's just the superficial kind of feeling of failure at something I said I would do on this blog, or the ten pounds I have gained since a year ago at this time, or my general low mood lately. Probably all of the above. I spent last week on the road to Commerce and Elberton and Watkinsville and Athens and back and forth all over again. With that, came stops at McDonald's, gas stations, and Subway (very familiar with the gas station subway in Comer on my way home from Elberton). I "needed" food and coffee and coke zero and this and that to keep me going. I had very little energy to pack food from home each night/morning, and so I just got and stayed on a roll spending money and eating lots of unhealthy stuff. Oh yes...the doughnuts. I got a dozen doughnuts one night on my way home after working and driving over 14 hours that day. I mean, it's understandable, but so yucky.

So...the most prominent things I feel today are that I don't have anything cute to wear, I want a $50 haircut (I love Lyric at Republic!) but spent all of my extra money and now don't have enough for groceries for the rest of the month, I wish my stomach wasn't so flabby and fat and don't understand why I don't see this sort of problem for anyone else I know, I hate that I started drinking soda after stopping for so long...and really, I think I'll stop there since there is little reason to think of more. :)

Am I really a failure? of course not. I totally know that I am amazing and strong and am doing great things in my life right now. I am even beautiful. Who isn't? I don't like the standards for beauty at all in this world. Of course I am beautiful. I have great character and love. God made me perfectly. Why do I look at myself with the same standards I hate as my judge? I should stop.

I should also spend my Christmas money on a haircut and clothes. But...then I will have none, and I will be insecure. lol.

The Exercise Life

It is seriously way past time to announce the challenge for the month. Our challenge to ourselves this month is to exercise 30 minutes a day. Have I already missed? yes. It's super discouraging to not be 100% successful, as we learned from last month, but it's also not good to look at the challenges that way either. I mean, challenging ourselves not to consume plastic in November was super hard, and we made a couple of mistakes, and I felt incredible about the outcome. Why in the heck would I be discouraged that we averaged having sex 6 out 7 days of the week or exercise 4/8 days so far. I really do want to do much more exercising for the rest of the month and get closer to the goal, but the challenge can be exhilerating and great no matter what.

I love The Simple Life by Janet Luhrs. She suggests never ever to spend money on using a gym, but rather to use the "Earth gym." I love the concept so much! Exercise is so very inspiring to me when I think about ways to use the earth gym. One night, I called my neighbor, and we walked together and talked about super important things going on in her life. It was such a great way to exercise at no cost to me and connect with a friend. One day this week, the kids and I drove to downtown Statham, parked, and walked all over town. We went to the little Statham library and gathered some free magazines for a couple of people I had in mind, checked out books on CD and a movie, and then went to Subway and bought a bag of sun chips for the kids to share as their treat. I let Isaac lead the way a couple of times, I took us through a little alley way b/w a couple of buildings and houses to the sidewalks of the main road, and then we got back in the van and drove home. It was so great to be out in space, without the boundaries of walls, moving our legs back and forth and back and forth, thinking about how grateful I am to walk and watch my healthy kids walk. I need more time for using my earth gym soon. This has been an insanely busy week b/c I committed to working at a nursing home in Elberton in addition to my usual work and half a day at treatment with my mom and a couple of church meetings. I had two 14 hours away from the house days starting from early morning, and there was NO way that I was going to exercise when I got home. Nearly impossible, it seems.

So, this weekend and next week will be much simpler, and I am going to try to really look forward to spending time moving my body and improving my health and my body.