loss

My heart is so heavy and full tonight. I have two friends who have recently found out about their husbands having an affair. Another friend's husband passed away (in his 30's) suddenly after collapsing and being transported to the hospital. My dad just returned from California where he was taking care of his sister and her family for a month, as she is dying from cancer very soon. Someone on Tim's side of the family and with whom we are close just found out he has bone cancer. My step father is quite sick and just not thriving or functioning very well. My mom's treatment for lymphoma has not begun to work after 4 weeks, as the doctors originally thought it would, so fear and terror are knocking at the doors of my heart. It is her birthday this week, and I am so very grateful to get to celebrate.

"Celebrate"...that word has struck something in me as I write it. I can not celebrate fear and anger and hurt. I can celebrate life and my incredible relationship with my mom. I can celebrate my marriage and the openness and vulnerability and respect and submissiveness and closeness and depth we share. I can celebrate the relationships I have with women that will be at my side in any hard times that may ever come my way.

Boy, life can be so tough. I think getting older has brought many more tough times in life. Besides what/who I mentioned is on my mind tonight, two close friends experienced tragic loss (husband, daughter) within the past year. My best friend's FIL is very sick, and this will be one of the first losses of a parent Tim and I have experienced with close friends. I mean, whoa...thank goodness getting older has brought many more joys with it as well.

Am I exercising? NO. In fact, I am looking forward to the end of the month when I can start a new challenge. Am I still feeling unhealthy and like I wish I was losing weight and working on being healthier? YES.